I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
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Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies