ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
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I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
181.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
britain’s three elite institutions
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.