Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
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Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out