DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
no regrets
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.