Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
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I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.