Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
yea so i messed up lol
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.