Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
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*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met