This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
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Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”