There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
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interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic