Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
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I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?