i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
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Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.