how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
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A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
LMAO
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Order here:
More here:
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.