Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
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“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you