Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Mountain Goat : )
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.