asking santa clause for nudes
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me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My work here is don’t.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Festive toon…