My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
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I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
They’re called werewolves.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late