One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
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A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which