When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
You Might Also Like
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.