Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
You Might Also Like
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?