it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
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Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
lol
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No