I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
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Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
me working on my assignments ^-^