By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
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if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
damn he’s good
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Oops
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Animal poetry
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?