If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
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Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Dear Lord..
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.