And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
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Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
happy friday
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?