It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
concern
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?