Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
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Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen