Me: *flirts*
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My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.