I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
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Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
this makes me so uncomfortable
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).