[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
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*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave