Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
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A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend