Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
You Might Also Like
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat