Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
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Meow?
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles