[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?