Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Is this the real life?
Is this just
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Cashiers are always checking me out
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
me when the borders lift
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.