I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
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[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Name another movie that mislead you?
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.