I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
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Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Meow?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.