me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
You Might Also Like
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
What do you hear?
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
In case you needed to hear it:
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute