Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
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I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.