Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
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HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
courtroom exchange of the day
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister