Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
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I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.