me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
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I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.