My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
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i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.