In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.