Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”