Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
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Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!