I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
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There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.