“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
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the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
how much for the angry fruit?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.