[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
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Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
so, is there a mister shapen head
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”