[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I have no passwords left in me
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso