[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
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Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
haha same
first you must answer his riddles
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
😂😂😂
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?